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Dissect My Heart

Where does the sadness come from within your eyes? The depression as dark as the midnight sky. Loneliness attacks you within the night, drowning in sorrow awakens you in sudden fright. Fear engulfs you like a tidal wave, you can not breath, you are its slave. Begging for mercy you cry out for help, longing for a presence you once felt.

Your heart is like a ocean full of secrets, lovers lost your heart begins to weaken. The initial hurt aches so bad of missing a love you once had. You cling for hope, beg for forgiveness, you would do anything to change it, that is the difference.                                                

 Your heart grows cold, bruised and battered, your emotions used up, torn and tattered. You try so hard to love without fear, that one true love you feel is near. You pull it together, try it again. Wait and see how it will all begin. Soul mates maybe, lovers true. The one I love will always be you ❤️                                                                                                                                             


 

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Thou Shalt Not Judge

Don’t judge that person sitting over there on the pavement, dirty from head to toe, begging for change. Open sores all upon their body, clothes reeking of urine and sweat. That person was terribly abused as a child by several family members. Mentally and sexually tormented. Past around like a joint at a party for everyone elses pleasure. Torn down daily like wall paper being ripped, so was any self worth they had. They looked for a Messiah, a saving grace only to be rejected by the followers that served him. Dirty looks and glances, whispers and stares, because their clothes wasn’t good enough or they didn’t fit into the niche. They turned to the one thing that gave them a relief, a break in reality. A world that took them away for just a short while from the torment and rejection they only knew to be. Things got out of hand, and in a downward spiral which was the only way of life they knew, they sit on that pavement asking for help.

That woman dancing around the pole at the strip joint down the street. She takes men in the back and does God only knows what. She has four small children at home with no daddy around to raise them. She met the love of her life at age 13. Got knocked up and her parents allowed her to marry her dashing, handsome man who was the ripe age of 32. She quit school in her freshman year and never acquired her GED. You see her darling husband was a severe alcoholic who was very controlling and abusive. He loved to get drunk and pound and beat on her nightly. It was definitely his favorite past time. She finally got the strength to take her four small children and herself and move across state away from his mania. With no education, GED, or work experience she dances around that pole nightly to put food in her babies mouths.

The same sex couple holding hands across the street or the interracial lovers with 2 small children. Love knows no color or gender. To the kids that are withdrawn in school and have a different style or the ones that simply choose to be outside of the norm, they have other goals and admirations about life than simply fitting in and being popular. To the boy that paints his nails and puts on eyeliner to the girl that wears her brothers clothes and tapes down her breasts. They like it! Even to the bully who torments others day after day. His home life consists of beatings, neglect, and obnoxious torments. He knows nothing else and wants others to feel his pain. The girl that seems a little to lose and sleeps around a lot, she grew up without her dad. Never had the guidance, love, or attention that a father can give to his daughter. She sleeps around looking for love and attention that her dad never gave her.

Lastly, that girl that never seems settled and always searching. She never quite seems content and has a restless spirit and wandering soul. As a child she knew there was more. With imaginations as wild and wonderful as things unseen, she knew she deserved more and the reality and emotion of something pure and definite. She may seem to wander aimlessly, but her heart and spirit searches for the things to complete her soul. She settles for nothing less. People judge her and say she is never satisfied when in reality she knows herself true and goes for exactly what she wants. People are intimidated by her passion and inspiration towards others, simply because they don’t understand her.

People judge what they don’t understand or what doesn’t seem to abide to their standards. Sad really, that people can be so closed minded and shut off from reality. We all are human beings made from the same mold. Now if that mold had the same color skin, gender, emotion, personality, and overall perception of life as the one before it, after it, and overall creation made, life and people as we know it would be bland and repetitive in nature. The differences is what makes each and every one of us unique. To love the unknown and accepting the divergent you are growing as a individual and in a sense finding inner peace you never knew existed. See, hate and discrimination festers like an open sore and spreads throughout the body like a cancer, rotting from the inside out. Making you an unrecognizable human being of what you once was as a child, when love and imagination stirred your soul and you knew nothing of color, gender, personality, or life choices.

Humans were not created initially from other humans, thus why is being judged by another person socially acceptable. We don’t know someone’s past, present, or future. We don’t know why they choose to be the way they are, if they even have a reason. Instead of casting judgement and sending someone off to hell for something you have no understanding of, how about trying to get to know them or simply send a smile. Not that your condoning but simply being nice. To love is the ultimate emotion that can be shared but seems to be smothered out by hate more often than should. Don’t cast judgement because you simply don’t understand or religion past down makes you feel as though you should. Don’t hate because someone tells you to or because they are different than you are. The world can be such an ugly place but your world can be made beautiful if you choose to allow it. Let love and acceptance lead you, and although you may not agree with something, don’t hate or judge, just know that it is unlike your norm and let it be. They chose their happiness now you choose yours!

“Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.” – Martin Luther King, Jr.

 

 

 

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Drugs Through Sober Eyes

WARNING: THIS CONTENT MAY BE DISTURBING TO SOME INDIVIDUALS

I watch you slowly rotten from the inside out like a carcass decaying day by day. The wombs become evident on the outside like demons clawing and picking at your skin. You have succumb to the festering death that has long lived inside you. What once was a purpose driven, proud and caring being has become a pale, wrinkled, starving creature that is void of all emotion, all ability to function and survive. A shell of what once was a vibrant, brilliant soul.

You deny help, refusing it like a bitch rejects her offspring. You see therapy as a weakness, a form of failure. You are like a weak, scared, naked child abused and neglected by their mother ever searching for the love never received. Stubborn yet screaming silently to die but your demons won’t allow it. You keep searching for a solace that never appears. Your demons are your closest friends now, your only friends. Force feeding you the trash that you consume until your mind is void of real thought or the natural being that was once reality.

Your alone. You stare around and realize that everyone you care about is gone. Where did they go? In a frantic hysteria you cry out for anyone to hear you! No one is there. You look down at your arms and see bugs crawling under your skin. You start picking, deeper and deeper until blood appears, but where did the bug go? Wait a minute, I hear someone, they have come to see you. Open the door, no one is there. A voice, you hear a voice, laughing, laughing at you. Your arm, there is that bug again, you begin digging. Days become nights, nights to days. Where are you?

Hell my loved one, you are in Hell.

 

By: Brin Harris aka Punked Up Pixie

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Daily Prompt: Deliver the News

via Daily Prompt: Delivery

How shall I deliver the news. All the training and education never prepared me for this day. I watched her day by day laying in that bed, staring out the window. What was she thinking? What was she looking at? Was she reminiscing of a time much happier, the days of her glory. Thinking of her family and how much she loved them and missed them so. Or was she slowly counting down the days, the hours, the minutes that she would cease to exist.

Days turned into weeks, weeks into months, with no visitors or calls. She lay there lonely with only interaction with the staff that served her. Still, everyday she lay there staring out the window to the world beyond that glass. Hoping, yearning for the love and affection she once knew.

This morning I went to greet her, as I usually do, only to find her not staring out the window. Instead she lie peacefully in her bed with her eyes forever closed. No more staring out the window thinking, praying, yearning, hoping for the affection of a loved one who had forgotten her. Now she be in peace in the life there after.

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Soul Glaring

via Daily Prompt: Glaring 

Look into my eyes and tell me what you see. Do you see anger, joy, passion, or a deepened sadness that dwells deep within. Glaring ever so deep into my eyes to my soul. Do you feel that?  That rush of emotion that overtakes your body as your inner spirit connects with mine. At that very moment we become one in our deepened intensity of a soul tie.

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The Front Porch

Such meaning! ❤️

Tales of a Hypochondriac

When the rain comes down and the thunder booms, there is only one place I want to be: the front porch. It has seen me grow. It has seen some fights, new friendships formed, and new loves blossoming. At first glance, it seems like just any old veranda. The paint is chipping away and the boards are splintering.

The same boards have been with me. Each nail, a friend. My children have played on it, as I did. It welcomed each of my babies as they came home for the first time. It witnessed my wedding. It witnessed my engagement. It was where I first realized I would be in love.

Somehow, it survived our busy holidays, supporting much of our family as we filled our bellies and laughed at corny jokes. It still hasn’t burned down, from all the poorly aimed fireworks and careless grilling. It survived that ATV…

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What is Love

I would like to take a moment and talk about this 4 letter word above. Such a little word with such a huge impact on lives everywhere. We have all experienced it at least once in our lives to some extent and in some way. Whether it be a love for our parents, a pet, a sibling or friend, a significant other, or a material thing, we have all experienced love at some point. I would like for everyone who reads this to just leave a little comment about what love means to you! I want to see different opinions and ideas of that 4 letter word that gets tossed around as much as a newborn baby! After I have read everyones thoughts I will post my admiration for it! Happy commenting!! 🙂

By Brin Harris aka Punked Up Pixie   XoXo

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DD’s

Once apon a time I dreamed of having the picture perfect life… Three kids, two dogs, a successful career, a lovely house, and a man that was nothing less than someone that looked  like Jon Snow only taller with a very successful job….. I was four, and obviously read a lot of fairy tales and still played excessively with my Ken and Barbie dolls. Then sadly, and I do mean sadly, I grew up. Lets face it, growing up is hard and we lose our dreams and goals, and what once seemed so real and accessible, we realize was our own fairytale we collaborate up as children. Now I’m not bashing true love, or fairy tales, or even marriage…. I’m just telling the tale of Brin, the hopeless romantic who just can’t seem to find her way.

Marriage:  the legally or formally recognized union of two people as partners in a personal relationship

Divorce:  the legal dissolution of a marriage by a court or other competent body

Love:  an intense feeling of deep affection or feel a deep romantic or sexual attachment to someone

Happy:  feeling or showing pleasure or contentment; fortunate and convenient

Above are four very well known words and their definitions. Now being as though they should go together like a PB&J sandwich, in reality, they don’t. Love often turns to hate, happy turns to miserable, and marriage leads to divorce. How do I know these things you might ask, I have been married not once but twice, and divorced twice= DD’s! Now before you raise your eyebrows and cast judgements, my first marriage was based on love. We got married, built the home, had the pets, but after eight years it wore on his soul and he decided he needed more and moved on thus the first divorce. Now the second marriage was completely a rebound and a huge mistake on my part. Noted: you do not know someone in one month therefore do not marry that person. Hell I didn’t really know my first husband and I was with him all those years. As I sit and look back at both marriages, I have a lot to share. Am I an expert? Hell no!  I have, however, learned a lot from my mistakes and hopefully my experiences help someone else.

I have often heard “Oh honey marry for money!! Then you will be happy!” Um, no…. Though this may work for some, I personally can’t do it.  Yes money can take you places and buy you pretty things but money can run out and things can disappear. Then, where will you be? That being said, you can’t live on love either. So its kind of like you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t right?  Not necessarily. Look everyone of us is different and we are all looking for different things when it comes to relationships and lifetime partners. My best advice is to know what you want, EXACTLY, before you take that huge step. Know what you can deal with and what you can’t. Know what deep down is truly going to make you happy and your soul fed. There is nothing more sad than a starving soul that could have been saved had you followed your heart and intuition.

That being my advice why am I 36, divorced twice, and currently not married? My answers are this. All though I married the first time for love, I didn’t however completely think the whole situation through. Had I done so, I probably would have backed out.  Here is the thing, there is never a guarantee and people and circumstances change. But I stuck it out, fought like hell, sacrificed, and still got left eight years in. So, second time around. I was getting older, gaining weight as middle age spread often kicks in, lonely, absolutely hated the dating scene, and I settled. I 100% settled and married a man I dated for 1 1/2 months. Trust me I am embarrassed to even type that let alone share it in my blog but its done. That whole scenario lasted a whopping 6 months and divorce finalized before our first wedding anniversary.

Now after my first divorce I was devastated. I had lost everything it seemed and I felt that I had failed completely at the one thing I had tried so hard to keep together. I went through all the emotions and the 7 grieving phases. The second divorce I could not get out of quicker and felt like I was having an allergic reaction to marriage itself. Why so different you ask? One little word: love. Love is what pushes me and I know that it exists I see it everyday. That is why I stress so hard for people to follow their heart but to also keep an open mind and weigh out all options before taking that big step, because lets face it, divorce is ugly, its cruel, its hurtful, and it costs way to much damn money. My lawyer has got rich off my 2 cases alone! A marriage that is based on love still seems to find its way if both partners feel the same and are willing to adequately give and sacrifice for each other.

All though divorce feels like a taboo, a curse, a glooming cloud of torrential rainfall, a horrible overwhelming feeling of failure, it is not. Society and cultures have long made us feel embarrassed or tainted because of our failed marriages. In doing so people have stayed in their lifelong relationships completely miserable and void of all happy feeling. Thus leading to adulterous affairs, suicides, dependency on drugs and alcohol, porn addicted spouses, and lets not forget the kids with anger and emotional issues due to unhappy parents and a hostile home environment. I am not condoning the big D word, but this blog post is to simply let others know that divorce is not shameful nor is it anything to be humiliated by. I would much rather move on from an unhealthy marriage and be happy than to die a miserable person wishing I had done things differently in my life.

In my conclusion, my advice, if you are a divorcee there is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. It failed! Simple as that and things and people fail everyday. The main thing is that you pick yourself up, you dust yourself off, and you go on stronger and more resilient than ever. You look back at your failed attempt at marriage, or in my case marriages, and you see what you could have changed or made better and you work on that and yourself. Do not rebound and don’t be afraid to be alone. You have to love yourself before you can love someone else. Love knows no age, color, gender, or body specifics. Love knows no boundaries. Don’t rush and know what you want and don’t want. Marriage is hard and it is a strong commitment. Like those four words above, with marriage could possibly come divorce x2 x3 or x4 but no matter how many times, always pick yourself up, learn from mistakes and never ever be ashamed of bettering yourself and finding happiness.

Below are a few recommended books to help with any issues, questions, or feelings you may have dealing with divorce. Click the book image to order!



By: Brin Harris aka Punked Up Pixie

XoXo

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7 Amazing Things That Happen When You Start Loving Yourself More

By Aska Kolton

“When I loved myself enough, I began leaving whatever wasn’t healthy. This meant people, jobs, my own beliefs and habits—anything that kept me small. My judgment called it disloyal. Now I see it as self-loving,” ~Kim McMillen

I started learning about self-love a long time ago.

In fact, I started learning about self-love so long ago that when, fifteen years later, a shaman in Peru I told me that self-love was the answer to all my questions, I got really pissed off!

I had struggled with depression as a teenager. For about two years, I lived a very sad life. I don’t even remember much to be honest. I felt the pain of existence. I avoided people. Every day felt like yet another obstacle to overcome. I existed rather than lived. Eventually, I overcame it and discovered some tools that I still use to help me with any low moments l might have today. One of them was the practice of self-love.

I found a few helpful books on meditation, the Silva Method, visualization, and the famous book You Can Heal Your Life, by Louise Hay.

I wrote affirmations daily. I kept doing my mirror work. I started to be more appreciative and kinder to myself. I meditated regularly and gradually rebuilt myself. I thought I had nailed self-love. I thought I had really understood what self-love was.

I was wrong.

I was in my early thirties—single and not entirely thrilled about it. Not fulfilled in my corporate career. Living in a converted garage in London and wondering what to change in my life to feel happier.

When my friend asked me whether I would be up for travelling to Peru, I didn’t think twice.

It felt like the right adventure at the right time.

We had a magical time for three weeks. We visited many ancient places, took part in spiritual ceremonies, met and worked with shamans, and visited some old communities living a modest life in the middle of the Andes. We experienced everything that Peru had to offer.

One day, my friend and I decided to go for a coca leaf reading. It was mainly out of curiosity but as with previous past readings, I wanted to be reassured that my life was going to change and that I would soon be in a better place.

Now I know better than to turn to a psychic to ease my anxiety. Once during a reading a psychic told me that there are a few future possibilities for us, based on our choices. So, I started to trust my choices more and become comfortable with uncertainty, as there is always a solution to our problems. I also trust that whatever I experience I’m having is for my highest good and the exact lesson I now need.

Back to my story: So, we went to a back room of a very run down massage place that we’d come across a few days earlier.

The shaman came and set himself up. He couldn’t speak English and had a Dutch translator.

My friend went first and asked her questions and got guidance.

When it was my turn, I started to ask the usual questions: When will I meet the love of my life? When will I find a better job? What job would it be? When will I find a better flat? When will I start earning more money?

After I asked the first question, the shaman stirred the leaves in his palms and threw them up. When they fell, he looked at them and said to me, “When you start loving yourself.”

Fair enough, I thought to myself, and asked another question.

The shaman threw the leaves again, contemplated a little, and gave me the same answer, “When you start loving yourself more.”

I thought “okay” and agreed silently with him. I still felt I could love myself more.

I asked another question and got the same answer. And another question and got the same answer.

Doubts began to appear and I started to feel a bit uneasy.

I felt like we were a bit naive going to a shaman we didn’t know and that nobody had recommended him to us.

When I heard the same answer for the fifth time, I lost it.

I snapped at the translator, accusing the shaman of being fake and not knowing what he was doing.

The translator started to calm me down and tried to convince me that the shaman was very popular and he knew his stuff. Apparently, many people kept coming back to him because of his accurate readings.

Somehow it was hard to believe.

We completed the reading and left.

My friend tried to help me make sense of this experience but I completely dismissed it.

I was furious. Not even about the reading but the realization that I thought I had done so much work around self-love and was convinced I knew how to love and respect myself. But here a stranger was pointing out to me that there was yet more work to be done.

I remember asking my friend angrily, “How much work on self-love do I need to do to actually start loving myself? Is fifteen years not enough?”

I felt helpless and discouraged.

It felt like all the work I had done on myself up until that moment in Peru had meant nothing.

I was frustrated because I assumed that after all the inner work I had done, I should have known better. I should have attracted higher quality men. I should have had a better job. I should have earned more money. I should have been happier.

My life had a few more lessons for me before I actually got what self-love really meant.

A few years later, I was even more frustrated in the new job—and still single after dozens of failed dates with men who didn’t even remotely fit the description of my dream man. Not much happier, I had a moment of realization when I was drying my hair.

It just hit me out of nowhere. I felt in my whole body what it was to love myself. I felt flooded with self-appreciation for no reason. I was overcome by kindness and compassion for myself.

In that moment, I saw how unloving I was toward myself. I realized that through my entire life I had been betraying and abandoning myself.

I completely understood what the shaman in Peru really meant!

Until I truly loved and honored myself, I wouldn’t get a better job, find a loving man, or feel happier.

I wouldn’t because I didn’t love myself enough to feel worthy of it all.

It took me a while to integrate my insights and realize how the love I had (or lack of it!) for myself was directly responsible for my unfulfilling love life, draining career, and overall unhappiness with life.

A few years later, I now have my own definition of self-love.

I believed for a long time that self-love was merely a feeling toward myself.

Now I know better. It is way more than just a feeling.

For me, self-love is a practice. It is a practice of choosing myself, putting myself first when I can, making myself important, and being kind and compassionate with myself. Also, self-love is about choosing things, people, and situations that are good for me, feel right, and serve me.

Self-love is an on-going conscious choice!

When I started to practice consciously choosing myself over others, over damaging situations, over unfulfilling friendships and relationships, things changed dramatically.

To illustrate why you need to practice self-love, here are a few examples from my own life.

1. You will start to feel more in charge of your life.

I realized that I had always a choice. I could make poor choices out of fear, guilt, and shame or empowered choices that were aligned with who I was and what felt authentic to me. So, I stopped trying to please people, accommodating men unworthy of my attention, and doing things that didn’t bring me pleasure or satisfaction.

When you start loving yourself more, you too will realize your wants and needs are important, and you have the choice to honor them.

2. You will set stronger boundaries around dating and love.

As a result of honoring my needs, I started to feel more confident and assertive. I became more purposeful with dating. I stopped wasting time on the wrong guys and started making more empowered romantic choices. The final outcome: I found the love of my life after struggling in the love department for years.

When you strengthen your boundaries from a place of self-love, you too will feel more empowered and you’ll stop repeatedly choosing partners who aren’t good for you.

3. You will stop seeking approval.

This was the most liberating thing. As I loved and respected myself more, I stopped worrying about how much others liked or approved of me. I stopped doing things to be liked. This created space for me to be more authentic, less defensive, and more my genuine self.

When you have your own approval and acceptance, you start caring less about other people’s opinion of you and living a life that’s aligned with your own values.

4. You will start to make more courageous and conscious decisions.

I gave up my draining corporate job out of respect to myself.

I moved out of London after fifteen years to have a slower and more peaceful lifestyle.

I fell in love again. (This takes lots of courage if you have been hurt over and over again!)

I got pregnant and had a natural birth. I had no clue how this happened, as I formerly had broadcasted everywhere that if I ever got pregnant, I would be the first to ask for an epidural. But I listened to my body and having an epidural didn’t feel right.

I became a mama to my son. This is probably the bravest thing I have ever done in my life, since I love my freedom so much. But the love for my son helps me forget how important my freedom was to me before.

Self-love will give you the courage to get rid of things that don’t serve you and make space for things that will help you grow. When you truly value yourself, you make decisions that honor you rather than harm you.

5. You will start to enjoy being with yourself.

I stopped filling my days with meetings, dates, and outings, as I did in the past just so I wouldn’t feel alone. I stopped running away from myself into the arms of unsuitable men. I stopped meeting friends just to have some company.

Instead, I started to do more things I loved doing: swimming, yoga, writing, watching movies, meditating. When I reconnected with myself deeply, spending time in my own company didn’t feel scary anymore. I stopped being afraid of being alone.

You too will find that when you become more loving toward yourself, you will start being more comfortable being in your own lovely company.

6. You will develop a stronger relationship with yourself.

As I spent more time with myself I deepened the connection I had with myself. I stopped being desperate for a romantic relationship because I started to have more fun on my own. I became my own friend. I started to feel more secure as a person as I tapped into my true inner being. I started to believe in myself more. I started to trust myself more.

When you deepen your connection with yourself through self-love, you’ll connect on a deeper level with others too. As your relationship with yourself improves, your others get stronger as well.

7. You will stop seeking happiness in relationships.

Loving myself helped me realize that I didn’t need a man to be happy. All the love I needed to be happy was within me already. I took more responsibility for my personal happiness and stopped giving my power away to men.

I understood that happiness was constantly present in my life. It wasn’t somewhere in the future. I just needed to change my focus and learn to appreciate what I had rather than dwelling on what I didn’t have.

When you start to love yourself more and feel happier, you too will likely feel less desperate for a romantic relationship. You’ll realize you don’t need a partner to be happy. You just need to be happy and the right person will show up in time.

So how do you start loving yourself more? Start choosing yourself daily and doing what feels right for you.

Introduce a daily practice of checking in with yourself every time you need to make a decision or a choice.

First you ask yourself: What would feel loving in this situation?

Once you have the answer, ask yourself these thee powerful questions:

Does it feel good/right for me?

Will it serve me?

Will it make me feel energized?

These questions will help you honor yourself and your needs and stay true and loving to yourself.

There is much more I want to say on this subject, but I will leave it for another article.

Let me just say this: Self-love will transform your life—so start practicing!

About Aska Kolton

Aska Kolton helps single women unleash the high-quality woman within so they stop making mistakes in love, start making more empowered romantic choices, and finally attract the quality guy they deserve. Grab a free Love Life Makeover Session with Aska HERE, and download her Get Ready For Love With The Dating Detox Guide HERE, and join her Facebook Group.

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Not that 1

Ever feel like you’re never good enough?? For anyone or anything.. Is it human nature or is it the toll that people and life take on us? I remember a day when I felt worthy, happy, maybe even content. Then like the flip of a coin, your self worth and feelings and inner core starts decaying like a rotten carcass passers by see on the road.

What happens?? Where does that inner joy that inner peace, drive.. Where does it go? You lose it! Every hurt, obstacle, disappointment, worthless relationship, toxic friendships, they all steal who you was. Slowly and painfully, until you have no idea who you are or what you want anymore. You want to give up, tell the world to kiss your ass! But then, your a failure. You gave up! You are a quitter!!

Nothing is ever good enough. You can put your whole ❤️ into something and lose it all. How do you bounce back? You never do! You are never the same! Just a unworthy, miserable shell of what you once was…. Happy!

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